Anand

ive been harping on this life and love and rock and roll, on choices chances circumstance and consequence, on redemption and salvation, on what this stuff is supposed to be about, but ive still got no damn idea at all. but thats ok, i suppose. it always is.

isnt it?

the wind was passing through the trees again. it always does.

its getting cold again. it always does.

who am i supposed to be?

who am i right now?

should i wonder?

should i worry?

should i be happy?

what am i supposed to do?

this life is flowing through me, whether i want it to or not.

hello love. come back soon, ok?

SKIBBIDY BOCKIDY DOOOOOOOO

yeah thats right im singing nonsense and its love and its gooooood

ok thats all

my profile... i want to remember this after i change it again

id take myself if that was i wanted id just rather a surprise but in all this waiting it out amidst this arid nonexistant shitheap im beginning to think that that may never happen, that ill simply fade into a withered clump tossed unceremoniously into a corner then routinely burnt and scattered leaving any thoughts to eventually do the same. but then i thought why try to stay associated with something i just referred to as an arid nonexistant shitheap in the first place? if i dont want to be here, why leave any part of me behind? maybe it would be better off to fade somewhere into one of those last truly beautiful places to enjoy the parts i can and not have to deal with those parts that expect something, that expect you to do something, be something, give something, help make things good again, and then when i do, expect you to do just a little more, be just a little more, give just a little more, help make things just a little better. especially when i never ask for a thing in the first place...but i think the reciprocation part doesnt really matter. dont get me wrong, to those who've saved, it truly is appreciated. but i think id rather be a blip, a stat, a tally mark, and if i could be less i would. im here against my will and thus i have no obligations and i wont give in to arguments or the scriptures of ancient frankly stupid men to make me think that i am wrong in my convictions. to give myself to subservience for some unauthenticated likely fabricated reward. or maybe i just havent found something i find worth giving myself to. regardless, those are all "if onlys" anyway because i dont have the strength to see them through. and of course i could be totally and utterly embarrasingly wrong in my assumptions but thats ok its only what i think and ive been wrong plenty of times before. still, now im left wondering what exactly the point was of this scattered spattering of suppositions... maybe i just wanted to fill this space so it didnt look so dull. but im fairly certain i had some kind of goal in mind. i think something about if i wanted to be a blip, i should start acting more like one. or maybe it was something about giving myself more chances to burn out quick. no, those dont seem right. you know, i really thought i had something bigger i wanted to tell myself here. well, thats just frustrating. no, i did have something i wanted to tell myself, and i did. just without actually saying it. it was more of a aggregate reassertion, and a smack in the head. still, i wish this could have ended less anticlimactically and more resolutely.

but wishing was the problem in the first place.

to wish, expect, desire, and any variation likewise. deadly words that lead to dangerous thoughts that lead to confusing questions that lead to nonsensical scribblings, though this is the part i really like, but maybe because its my only way out, and i wouldnt need this outlet if i didnt get into it in the first place. still, im sure i could find a more pleasant reason to lay down these inane absurdities which at this point have become more of an attempt to hit the end rather than coming to some kind of conclusion. because i get it now. i really do. i was angry when i started, but i realized that was quite futile, not to mention extremely contradictory to what i was actually saying. you know... if ive actually managed to say something in the first place. and i think i did. because i know that ive taken something away from this. maybe not some kind of solid message or moral or anything like that. but i do feel better, more at peace than i was when i started this whole thing, thats for sure. and there are always going to be those confusing questions, if not about this than surely something else. but at least this is a start, even if its just another of countless ones that have come and gone. and not that i hope nor desire it to, but maybe this will be the one that sticks.

anyway, i hope you didnt really read all of this

6 months. did i feel like i had nothing left to say? or was i just tired of saying things? 6 months and id like to think im better off now than id been before. in fact, i know i am. maybe thats why i stopped writing in this thing in the first place. i used this as a way to keep the things in my head from taking over and consuming me, but instead this became something to look over and keep fresh in my mind. maybe thats why i didnt do anything for so long. or maybe i just needed to take the time for life to pass me by so that i could finally have some time to myself.

thats what this summer was. thats what this is now. its a stop that i desperately needed. actually, its been 8 months since february, which is when i should have really stopped. three months since july, where i almost did it to myself again. twice. i was in a bad way for roughly two years, and im just now feeling like i can say with some confidence that ive snapped out of it. too much thinking and too many vices all at once. not that things are perfect, but they are good.

clear.

i think i also got caught up using this thing as some kind of narcissistic "hey look at me look at me" log of my life. i had it linked in my profile, mentioned it constantly in my aways. i had one of those stupid links that let me see who clicked it. as a result, so many old entries are so vague that i cant figure out what exactly i was thinking in the first place. i think now i can safely say that maybe 2 people will ever read this, and thats fine. i can be more honest now.

the summer was a necessary one. i did so much nothing it would make your head spin. aside from the chicago road trip, the party at my place, and the many trips to the lake, i dont remember it being all that memorable, which is nice. uneventful can be cathartic in its own way.

so now im back here in cambridge, where ive been for the last month and a half. not doing all that much. studying a lot more, but just to kill time. i came close to falling into the same silly groove again, but advice from friends kept me from slipping. and thank god for that, i needed someone to finally point out my ridiculous habits. i realize now that i have this tendency to fall too quickly and get in too deep for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. i have to figure out what exactly im looking for before i go out and try to get it, or im just gonna get screwed or worse, screw someone else, every time.

i really need this time to myself. shut down AIM, trying to stay away from facebook, not picking up very many calls or going out too often. i need to keep things all about me for a while. and i have a feeling this is a good idea.

something odd, though. i cant help this feeling that im coming close to the end of something big, but i cant figure out for the life of me what that is. but its keeping me awake at night, and on edge all the time. i dont know if its good or bad or what. i feel like im at this huge inevitable transition point that i dont know if i am or am not ready for. or maybe its just something im feeling from cutting back hard from booze and ganj. who knows.

still not so sure about school, as usual. i still dont find it fun or interesting, and im still questioning why im there in the first place. but theres a couple good things. we finally got to interview standardized patients, and it was so cool. we're not supposed to be very good at it at all, since we're still total newbies, but one of the ladies told me that mine was excellent, and she said it like she was taken aback by it. that was a good feeling, like maybe thats why im doing this whole thing in the first place.

and ive managed to watch seasons 1-5 of scrubs in the last couple weeks. not that its completely true to life, but ive heard its pretty accurate. anyway, i feel like i could see myself in those situations, and being happy being in those situations. like its where i belong. its silly, but its still reassuring. less than a year, and i'll begin my rounds. ill be thrown into the mix. and hopefully then ill finally know if this is really for me. i hope ill find something i really enjoy.

good couple of days. had to go home friday afternoon to pick up the tickets for the ambulance ltd concert on saturday. i thought maybe id stay home for a while, but i ended up getting bored after 30 seconds and headed back here. chilled out for a while, then headed over to neels place to see serena, who was back for the weekend. my tolerance ended up deciding to tank on me, and so after only 2 beers and 2 vodka sprites, the rest of the night becomes hazy. we ended up going somewhere afterwords, and all i can remember was making fun of the sorry excuse of a beirut game being played. stupid lapses in memory. i think maybe it could have been from the hookah-ing, but i have no idea.

anyway, yesterday was the tufts spring fling, and they were having a guster/blackalicious concert on the lawn. and everyone 21 or up got to bring a six pack each! hooray drinking in public!

it was a great concert. didnt really pay much attention to the music though. me and neels roomates ended up walking around for a while, enjoying the scenery and talking to random groups of people. for a while i talked to a girl straight out of turkey whos name i cant remember. i was totally fascinated with her because 1) i was drunk. id gone through my six pack by then and mooched a couple off other people. 2) she had no accent whatsoever. that amazed my drunk ass to no end. and by that, i mean til i got distracted by some other shiny object. anyway, after a while we went back to ash's place to chill, then i headed home shortly after.

the ambulance ltd concert was at 9 at the paradise. me and jeff caught dinner at sunset cantina beforehand. i havent had food like wings and chili in a while, so it rocked my stomach bad. luckily that didnt play too big a part until after the concert. there were a couple opening acts, so ambulance didnt actually come on til 11, which was nice cuz it gave me a chance to snap out of the haze i was in from the drinking all day. concert was amazing, theyre really good live. the dude has such a cool voice. they ended it with anecdote, so i got to go home happy.

i was exhausted from going to bed so late and waking up so early. all i had was a 20 minute nap between when i got back to cambridge and when i went to the concert. i figured id get back home after the concert, listen to music and check email for 10 minutes, then just pass out for the night. but for some reason i didnt get into bed till 530 this morning. i just didnt feel tired. sucked though, because i made up for it by waking up at 230. normally, i wouldnt care, but i have a quiz tomorrow that i hadnt studied for. i ended up reading the notes over once. we'll see how that works out tomorrow afternoon.

but thats the last physio quiz i have to worry about. the second exam is the friday after next, and then its done.

but til then, its all studying. or at least attempting to study. itll be nice to spend next weekend in and not drinking, even if i dont manage to get much accomplished.

ok time to pass out now so i can do some quick cramming in the morning. effin quizzes.

hahaha oh wow. did you feel that one? it hit low, then dug in and worked its way up, tearing apart everything on its way. now its out but its left a hell of an impression. my heart is about to beat through my chest and i just cant seem to get enough air. its a good reminder to let me know im still alive. and boy am i. i dont think i could handle this kind of reminder more than once in a blue moon.

so whats it gonna take to power through this one? im trying something new this time. i let the pictures pile up in my head. the worst kind. the ones that hurt. the ones that cut so deep they cut straight through. and i force myself to see them. over and over and over again. if this is what it takes to get through it, then ill live through the worst introspective nightmare i can possibly think of.

i force myself to see the awful truths; and fabrications that are even worse. but i wont break. ill play them through my head so many times, until theyre no more than simply sights.

ill keep reacting until i stop. until theres simply no response to it anymore. until im ironclad.

and then.

well, then.

then ill fix something else. im not gonna be sub par anymore. i dont like to settle for anything less than exactly what i want, and im not gonna settle with being anything less than i know im capable of.

besides, im getting bored of all the lazyiess and being mediocre. id rather stand out. im an attention-hog like that. heh.

on that note, i should probably stop writing. i need to finish up these online modules for my intro to clinical medicine class. as useless as they seem, they need to get done. then i can get outta here and get myself a haircut finally and come back and start studying for physio. if im gonna be awesome, im gonna have to start studying earlier than the day before the exam.

been eating a lot better lately, too. aside from a chinese food binge friday night, ive been staying in for food a lot more, and eating healthier. no more soda and hotpockets and nachos and shit like that. id like to go to the beach more than just once this summer, so ive got about 2 months to get out of lazy fatass mode and do something about it. i gotta start fitting the gym into my daily routine. fuck getting ripped, i just want to look respectable.

saturday is the ambulance ltd concert with jeff. ive been looking forward to this for a while. except my tickets are in nashua. so i think im gonna have to take a quick trip home friday to pick em up. serenas gonna be in town this weekend, too. and i think jim is gonna be up. that obviously means debauchery, and copious amounts of it. i think i may have to make an exception to the drinking rule this weekend, cuz i never see these people. no smokes though. thats still out. itll be a half victory haha

ok i gotta get back to work. this crap needs to get done, and if i dont do it, ill just end up sitting around doing nothing. which wouldnt be such a bad thing normally. but i might as well try to stick with this whole "get rid of bad habits" kick

...maaan this is gonna be difficult.

getting a little worried about the loan situation. pops wants me to backpay about 6 grand worth of rent, but if i paid that back right now, i wouldnt have nearly enough to get me to september. to say ive been bad about money management would be a hell of an understatement. i had a little less than 20 grand to last me from september to september. right now i have around 9 thousand left. i cant believe how much money i spent on things like eating out and booze and the jamaica trip and gambling and whatever the hell else i did. not good. so next year im gonna be paying for it. im paying my pops 3 grand first semester and 3 second, and the rest of the time im going to have to be stingy as all hell.

it was worth it, though. i had a hell of a time this year. i think ive done more in terms of going out and doing things than i had any of my years of undergrad. which is what i was told would happen, even though i didnt believe it.

still, i wish id gone out with the class more often than i did, but i let all the sillyness that happened over the first and beginning of second semester get in my way quite a few times. there were definitely a good number of occasions where i should have gone out with the class, but instead i either went back to NH or i just stayed in the condo and moped around. heh, another example of that whole 'live and learn' thing, i guess.

the whole major cutback on the drinking should help me save quite a bit, too. going out and blowing 50 bucks a night on drinks 2 or three times a week can really add up. in the future, i think ill stick to a drink or two, tops. and if for some reason i really want to get tanked, then ill hit up the liquor store and pregame. that way, its only like 10 bucks to drunkenness.

i really hate having to worry about money matters. come september, im going to have to take out a bazillion dollars worth of loans again, and i get to fall deeper into debt. after this year, im 60 grand in debt. after next year, itll be over 120. i really hope this is all worth it in the end.

----

finished my last clove today, and i dont plan on buying another pack. i may bum one every now and again, but thats gonna stop, too. i started that whole mess over a year and a half ago, and thats just way too long to keep going with it. same with the grass. thats also gotta go. im thinking of giving the rest back to niraj and calling it a day with that. but not really. maybe ill just keep it occasional.

but the drinking and the cloves are definitely the worst habits ive had. the drinking skyrocketed after junior year, and the cloves came shortly thereafter. im thinking if i can get back to the way i was sophomore year with the drinks and the smokes, that will be great. drinking maybe once every couple of weeks, no cloves whatsoever, and the ganj on few occasions. i think that was the perfect way to do things. excess loses its appeal very quickly.

and maybe, if i havent already screwed myself over too bad, i can get back to feeling 100% right in the head again. id say ive been chugging along at about 70-80 since this summer. though it has been getting better as of late. im hoping this continues to be an upward trend.

...

anyway, id say its about time for a midnight snack and some tv.

things dont just change overnight, but maybe thats not so true. i think its more of a state of punctuated equilibrium. for the most part, we're continuously changing, just so slowly we tend not to realize it. but then there are bursts. short periods of time where sometimes everything can get totally flipped upside down and we realize whats happening, but are just overwhelmed by it and dont know quite how to react. so we panic, and we fall; we let our thoughts get the best of us till we're just beat down. something maybe that we cant get over til after its said and done. then we cope. we get back on our feet and live with it.

sometimes the ringtones change. literally and figuratively, in this case.

we clear out our messages, our mailboxes and our minds. sometimes its best to let time shake out what was said and done in order to move up and out. but sometimes its better to know.

i know who i am and who i was and who i was before that. i did the right things and the wrong things, a lot of which i didnt know were right or wrong til later. maybe those are the best to keep; the ones we can learn from. not the ones that leave us stagnating somewhere we know we shouldnt be.

i know now much better than before. ive learned. now its just a case of application of this (not so) newfound knowledge. i think in my case, this will be the hardest thing to do. i need to learn to trust more than just myself, or ill never know if its right to go against my heart or my head in the future.

----

i was reading the archives for a long time tonite. its not always ups, there are more than a fair share of the downs. but some downs are better than others. there are some lows that are just unhealthy, and thats what needs to be avoided. so when i say i need to get back to the way i was, im not saying i was perfectly happy. i was just better off.

and like ive said numerous times in past entries, i think im taking things far too seriously. but whats different now than then is that i know this isnt completely true. im taking the wrong things too seriously, and not taking the right things seriously enough. and im still dwelling too much on things that have happened, which is blinding me to whats happening now and to whats around the corner.

looking back isnt a bad thing unless its all you do. if youre gonna look back at something, at least try to figure out how it can help you now or later.

----

anyway, this year has been interesting. im not used to being in school for this long, and its starting to get to me. 8 weeks left till summer and i really need to get that into my head before i hit 100% apathy. i just dont like these classes. anatomy was ok, pretty interesting at first. but then it just felt like we were studying a gigantic map. it got boring. histology wasnt fun at all. we just looked at 9 million cells that pretty much all looked the same. biochem is the same biochem i took repeatedly in undergrad. EPH is something ill learn in the field. its totally useless to know now. physio.. well, i dont know about physio. some of it is interesting. its nice to learn how things work. but the details SUCK. and all the equations and numbers... guh.

the saving grace is that physio and eph classes end may 5th. we start genetics, immuno and endo may 15th after a week of exams. i think those have some potential. at least i hope they do, because im getting pretty disillusioned with med school. i really like working at the hospital, though. i feel like im learning more there. having a cute PA to shadow is a plus, too. too bad she wont be there this week. still, i see a lot of interesting things in the ER. though having to witness people dying really blows. not something id want anyone whos not gonna be a doctor to ever get used to.

i helped host the BUSM india show with a couple people a couple weeks ago, then took part in our skit night where we made fun of professors and classes and everything med school in general. both events were really fun and im glad i did it, i was getting tired of keeping to myself all the time. i dont think i really gave many people a chance to know me very well, but i think those two shows and the jamaica spring break trip changed that. not that this means im gonna be like best friends with everyone in the class now. but i met some cool people and thats always a good thing.

----

so what else? ive decided to cut back quite a bit with all the bad habits ive accumulated as of late. they dont help much, and to be honest, i feel like theyre aging me prematurely. im not saying that im gonna completely stop, but these arent things that need to be part of my daily, or maybe even weekly, routine. i know that before i fell into that nasty groove, i used to do a lot more. as far as being in the city, i havent taken a good long walk for over a year. and back home, i used to do a lot more work in my back yard. i cleaned that whole fucker out for no real reason other i thought it would look better. my parents even wondered why i was clearing out all that crap in the woods. and i havent been to the driving range in ages. instead of buying a six-pack a day like last summer, ill get a bucket of golfballs instead

...

well, now that i think about it, that last paragraph isnt true. i still do quite a bit. tons of road trips here and there, latenight wiffleball and poker games, countless trips to lakehouses to go fishing and swimming and to make great meals and chill by fires and chop copius amounts of firewood, sushi runs and wendys runs, failed attempts to work out, backyard bonfires, batting cages, trips to hills and treks in the woods, etc.

i guess there just needs to be a lot more of the above and a lot less just sitting around drinking and doing other stuff like that. and even if it is just a night of sitting around, i dont need to be tanked to enjoy the company of my friends. thats why theyre my friends, after all. still, i wont be passing up a beirut tourney. those are just too fun not to be a part of. unless it starts happening every other day. hopefully thats not the case.

----

i feel a lot better now. i think this is definitely something i need to get back to.

i take a long drag.

"you kink the hose till he just barely realizes that the balloon isnt filling. everyones done it," she says.

i let the fire out of my lungs. "lord knows i have"

she lets the hose go. we know it before he does. hes out.

i run to the side of the house. this is my territory. i know every strategy, every turn youd think would be the smart one to take. i react as soon as i see the balloon with his hand holding it from the bottom. a quick upswing and hes out.

i gave her the last of our arsenal. i know every last detail of how this game works, and i know she needs it more than i do. she stays back. she plays the defensive. i pick up a skipping stone. im deadly with a skipping stone.

i know after i knocked out the other, that this corner was safe for me to take. i poke around and see another of my enemies. he's too far away to launch his payload, and he freezes like a deer in headlights when i spot him. he's new to this. he has a lot to learn. he should have backed away out of clear sight when his friend got tagged.

i launch the skipping stone. im deadly with a skipping stone. knowing these winds, i launch it high and to the right. he doesnt see the point. the spin pulls it downwards and to the left and before he realizes it, it strikes the payload in his left hand. he's out.

i take another drag and double back to make sure my partner is ok. no ones come from the other side of the house. they know its too obvious a route. they also know now that my side is too dangerous a trek to take, so i expect them to be standing there wondering what it is they should do next.

i hear a loud grunt coming from the front of the house. im standing behind the deck now and im confused. then i see it. a red flash flying over the top of the house. coming right at me. i try to back up and dodge it but i trip over the hose. the same hose that helped us earlier has defected and picked me as its target. im on my back now and theres nothing i can do.

BAM. it hits me square in the chest. its small as hell so it stings. shit. i have to think fast. i see the damage to my chest. its small enough that it stays on the shirt. youre lucky, old man. youre so damned lucky. i lose the shirt. im back in this thing, one way or another. you do what it takes to win. you have to in this game. its not fair, but thats the way it was made. the look she gives me drops my heart to my shoes. im sorry baby, i have a game to win.

i see another flash, green, coming over the house. its a distraction. ive used this trick a thousand times, i wont let you get me with it. the balloon lands harmlessly about 20 feet away from me but doesnt burst. thats the catch with the smaller balloons. accurate as hell, but youve really gotta launch em to get the job done. i grab it fast because i know whats coming next. you cant really expect me to keep looking up for the next one to come. which side of the house are you gonna take?

i know your style. youre a showboater. youre gonna take the route that got everyone else taken out of this game. thats your tragic flaw, my friend. youre all for the glory and logic escapes you. he barely has a chance to turn the corner. for your glory, all youre gonna get is a stinger to the side of the head. let that be a lesson to you. youre out.

im still laughing at my conquest.

"theres one more out front, he'll go down quick. ill go out from the right and distract him. he'll never hit me. you take the left and nail him point blank. no misses."

"..."

i hear a twig snap behind me. i dont have to turn around. she was never a fan of foul play. i saw it in her eyes. i didnt know she wouldnt let me get away with it.

i turn around. im not about to turn on her. i cant. she pulls me in close, grabs my right hand and whispers in my ear.

"not like this. game over, baby."

she holds me even closer and puts her balloon into my left hand.



the embers from my cigarette finish this story.



we're out.

"sorry, this was all just a big misunderstanding."

i had my back to them now. i almost turned around and i almost started saying something else, but i stopped myself. for once. i guess i didnt really see the point this time.

of course it was a lie. at least through my eyes. but it was the right thing to say. no, it was the easy thing to say. of course it wasnt just a misunderstanding. i knew that, and they knew that. there was so much more to it. but it was time to let go. id worn out my welcome, and now i was on my way out. no need to prolong the inevitable.

i began to walk away. i half hoped one of them would stop be, but i knew that wouldnt be happening. at least it was nice out. i had the sun at my back and the river on my right. the breeze helped push me along, as if it knew this is what needed to happen.

i kept walking till i reached the willows, and turned to make sure i couldnt see them anymore. i couldnt, and it made me feel better, more at ease. i picked out the biggest willow i could find and let it catch me. there werent many people around. it was early and people either had classes or a job they had to be at. it was the former for me, but i couldnt go. not today. it would have been pointless, really. sometimes things happen that shake you up something fierce and theres nothing else you can do but to think about it. and why do that cramped up in classes? especially when its warm out like it was that day.

and sometimes, when things like this happen, i get that one thought that just keeps running through my head. no elaboration, just that thought, over and over again. because it fits.

"im fading out"

i dont know if i was shocked or disappointed or in denial or what. i think maybe i was just trying to convince myself. it was the end of me in an outsiders sense. at least, i was hoping it was. its what needed to happen. but i was prolonging it. and that only made things worse. i think it was that fear of not being recognized as part of the whole anymore. that really did scare me. but sometimes you gotta get over yourself and realize that you just dont fit. and i think thats why i stopped myself from saying anything else.

and then there was that uncertainty of where to go from there. frightening at first, and still is. but its opportunity. its a chance to find something right. or maybe not find anything at all. i think. i dunno. this is as far as i ever got. i still cant figure this part out for the life of me.

i think i need to spend more time under that willow.

neurosciences are a pain in my ass. correction: neurophys is a pain in my ass. i actually really like the anatomy. funny as it sounds, i think neurosurgery looks really really interesting. heh, anand the brain surgeon. that would definitely be a cool title.

ah but who knows anything these days. i sure dont, thats for sure. its been peaks and pitfalls lately, with hardly any normalcy in between. trying times. and as much as i hate stagnation, i wouldnt mind a taste right about now. just a few days where i wasnt forced with a deadline to meet or a decision to face. not that ive faced anything. more like put off.

its tough. i feel like im being hit from all sides, and theres really nowhere i can go to collect my bearings and get back on the right track. i dont think ill be able to get away until at least next friday. then ill have this class out of my way and some time to myself and maybe i can set myself straight then.

parabolic peaks and pitfalls from vicious virtues. its all alliterative, baby. so which way from here, as if its a question that really needs to be asked. gotta get through the grey to reach the silverside, theres no avoiding it. so whats it worth, that shine i try so desperately to find? well, in my humble opinion, its the end; and we all start to finish. and i wont be a cliffhanger. not figuratively, at least. its just sometimes we have to wait to move.

tick tock tick tock. fuck you, clock. you just keep on spinning

did what i had to do
said what i had to say

the balls not in my court anymore so im just gonna sit here and wait

tick tock tick tock, youre on the clock.

give everyone their chance at anything.

"we are pleased to announce we have received a record number of applications during this period. however..."

yada yada yada. they always gotta brag before the shitstorm hits. well now what? so boston is out of the question now. moms gonna be pissed that im not gonna be somewhere within earshot. both of them are gonna mention how i dont take things seriously enough. great. try harder next time. put in more work. you can do this, you can do that. everytime youre doing nothing, you could be doing something.

its funny. my card doesnt work upstairs. my card doesnt work downstairs. as far as i can tell, all my card is good for is letting my cousin flash it in front of some dumbass freshman lookin to make 25$ a week for booze so that he can get his workout and maybe see a sight or two.

i mean, downstairs is only two floors away. then again, i couldnt say i had a downstairs or a card to loan if i hadnt taken my shortcut either. playing the fool certainly can lead to some great things, thats all i can really say. show up and mention a couple errors in the paperwork without a quiver in your voice and someone else will automatically assume its their fault instead of the person complaining. thats how i got off. im on the lists. im there on paper. and thats as far as i really needed it to go. im sure itll all hit the fan some time or another. but that wont happen till it doesnt matter anyway. ill have been in and out and have experience and credentials and pretty much whatever i need to have so that lack of paper means nothing at all. sometimes its all about what you know rather than what you have. too bad thats barely ever the case.

i think itd be better off that way all the time, actually. let it be immaterial. give everyone a chance. why the hell not? theres no point in closing doors to some place because someone couldnt comprehend something that had nothing to do with it in the first place. we're stifling ourselves in the end.

hahaha. preach preach preach. im only talking because im mad that im going where i was told not to go without some stupid thing putting me in my place.

well at least the floors look nice.

wait. wait.

i gotta say something.



yow wowwowyow wowwow yow wow.

ha, so i was just thinking about that time. that little guy and i, we made our way down cliffside. mostly following the water down, cuz hey, it always seems like it knew where to go. "on behalf of my friends," it said, "let me tell you a story that may make you see things in a different way."

trust me when i say we've been around. in fact, since ive been around (and dont ask how long its been, time shouldnt be a factor here), id say ive been just about everywhere. and right now, i happen to have ended here. but see, its not really an end. we're still moving, just like you. i could tell you about a million different beginnings and ends, and they could all overlap in some way or another. but thats not really the point.

we've met before, and im sure we'll meet again after this. but let me tell you about last time. you were walking, like you usually do. and my friends and i, we were brought up from a few hundred miles away. i knew you, then, too. but i wasnt expecting or even hoping to hit you... thats not really the point. we fell and we were led, by the wind and by eachother, to wherever it is we went. we hit here and there and i happened to hit you. i made my way down your face and down your sleeve into your pocket. you brought me in and i simply faded away to wherever i was going next.

see, you and i, we rebound off eachother and think nothing of it. we meet and we move, and thats that. sometimes thats all it really needs to be.

"so let me take you somewhere nice, if only for the time being. something nice to remember and maybe see again some time." i took my empty pouch and filled him in and got back on my ride and had him turn the other way.

"youre right in that nothing should ever be expected and nothings unexpected, but let me take you somewhere unlikely instead"

so we rode, back up cliffside, till we got to that cove we like to go. "let me tell you a story, that may make you see things differently, too"

i like this place. its completely unlikely, thats why. that overhang wont let anything come from above. theres no wind to bring you from the sides. and theres no loose ground to come up from below. we rebound and youre usually right. i dont effect you and you dont effect me. but i can change that just as quickly as you. ive been coming here a lot. i think i can be fairly certain in saying this is the first time ive brought you here, though i could still be wrong. see, i put you in that crevice there to see what would happen. and over time that dinky little patch of dinky little yellow flowers began to grow. so maybe youre right. i dont directly effect you, and you dont directly effect me. but look what we've effected.

i guess what im trying to say is that sometimes we DO have control. you can steer me where to go, and i can put you where i think you need to be. and that just happens to be right here.

in a way, we were both right, but i felt smug about myself nonetheless.

my ride was none too impressed. he made a good counterpoint... he ate my dinky yellow flowers.

"touche, donkey."

he'd outwitted us both. im sure of that because i really had nothing to counter with. that smug bastard always wins.

but thats ok, i like him anyway.

so i had this idea of perceived perception versus real perception that i thought i wanted to elaborate on.

but, you know, to hell with it all.

still not me. still just wondering where i went wrong. sitting here and questioning things. not that theyre bad. theyre just not what they should be. theres too much of this trying going on. trying to do this and trying to do that, trying to feel one way, trying to get other people to feel another.

why am i trying so hard?

this isnt me. this hasnt been me for a LONG time. im sitting here and questioning things, and worse, im giving in.

this isnt me. i used to be GREAT.

since when do i give a shit? what led up to this?

no more following. no more wondering. i dont like this anymore. i never liked this in the first place.

its what i thought was right.

fuck this.

i used to be good.

and ill have my day again.

this was all the crap i wrote in my notebook today after a long day of not paying attention in any of my classes

---

goodness... no. no.

well, shit. yeah that sounds better

i dont dare ask now. i been unceremoniously displaced. trounced by the earlybird, i never stood a chance. completely and utterly blindsided, i had no freaking clue how to react. i must have been gape-jawed, because they knew. i could tell. they knew. ironic that this one was about structures and the like, because all i can see now are vertebrae. i bet this wouldnt have happened if i walked faster and caught the line that came two minutes before mine. or if i hadnt waited a couple minutes for that other line after the getting off the first one. or if i didnt go get that soda. no... i needed that soda. i needed it to live.

so what now? its ten to eats and im done but still sitting here writing instead of leaving. shit. do i have thirty or sixty?? i hope its sixty, cuz thats how long i plan to take. wait... am i even hungry?? its a sorry state ive found me in, physically displaced and subsequently mentally retarded. i write now because i fear i may lose all capacity for written language by nightfall. quite frankly, im doomed. i see all the other people in this place, wide-eyed and eager to learn. young, old, men and women, all kinds of people with their whole lives ahead of them. and me... alas, i dont think ill make it till thursday. im having trouble figuring out what to write after this, proof of my inevitable demise. ok, i am hungry... but for what?? what could i possibly want?? dare i eat some chilli cheese? or maybe theyll have chicken quesadillas today. i really hope they do, id very much like to try one before my time runs out and i can no longer comprehend the difference between what is yummy and what is not. im feeling reminiscent now and have just looked through past thingies ive scribbled into this notebook during class before i transferred most of them to this journal. poems about drunkards and physical biochemistry haiku, stories about falling into holes and meeting fishermen, introspections of speculation and a story about a sodium channel that i decided was actually a jewish composer. and finally, there is this. this completely nonsensical tale of my displacement and resulting eventual demise.

the truth? im fairly certain im kidding myself in this situation. im setting myself up to believer i stand much more of a chance in this situation than i really do, and thats pretty dangerous. but im also finding myself making one of the BIG mistakes i made so long ago when i feel some way about certain people (coughgirlsiwantcough). i tend to completely idealize them, most of the time without realizing it. but i know what im doing here. im overlooking those particular traits that would bug the hell out of me if this wasnt some girl i wanted. but i find myself letting that stuff slide. from previous experience, ive learned thats a really bad idea. as much as i could let that stuff go now, it will likely come up to bite me in the ass later if (and thats a gargantuan if) i actually do manage to woo this girl (which i doubt). learn from your mistakes, asshat.

so why am i still sitting here doing what i am on and on hoping to be noticed and maybe asked about it? i happen to be a gigantic idiot. i dont think ill ever really learn from my mistakes, which is why i probably wont live past thirty. hahaha it just happened. a small, meaningless victory for me, i am so so lame. ive lost twelve minutes of eaty time. i really hope im right in thinking i have sixty for this. actually, i couldnt care less. i never pay attention to those lectures anyway.

hahaha i totally had a doug funnie moment just now. i was hoping i never lose this thing or that it would never fall into the wrong hands. then i realized that my handwriting is beyond awful and no one could make out what this shit says. actually, again, i dont care either way. this shit ends up online anyway, so whatever. still, that was a great episode. abc completely fucked that show up when they took it from nickelodeon. ill never forgive them.

ok, im going on a quesadilla hunt. godspeed to me.

dot dot dot...

nine twenty seven zero five three nineteen and its simply talk talk talk. still going, still cant figure out anything whatsoever. hahaha trying to write as illegibly as i can, but at the same time kinda hoping to be looked over but at the same time kinda not. this is why i think i gotta run away to somewhere where im the only one around. when im not the only one around i can never concentrate on what i need to do or even on myself. bah, i should stop now. theres class to follow. i smell cape codder... or maybe thats just cranberry juice.

hahaha back after doing some work. i cant stop. i have absolutely nothing to say but i still cant stop. ok im putting this fucker away. maybe ill draw on myself for a while.



-----


haha i love my notebook.

tired tired tired ten thirty on a monday night and i guess this is how its gotta be with me and hitting it early and getting lucky if i can get my straight eight and not spring up and look around at least five times before i need to. two two three two is what it says a few lines up and im pretty sure thats three behind and when i look behind i find im right so im seven down and seven less than what id like. im sort of pleased today since i got through these cards twice and i think this time ill remember more than what i did before when i was gliding by sunday night to get back here and not just rolling but really gliding so much so that it was hard to really absorb anything. four later and its eleven down now but maybe if im feeling lazy ill get it back from the tail end of this endeavor and not get to where i need to be till its eleven too many. thirteen now and im just sitting here and dont have much more to say though i wasnt really saying much in the first place so i think ill end this little narrative and really call it a night this time

fourteen. ok now its really sleepytime.

down down down. from a chemical kick to a chemical crutch to a chemical burn that tore these sails apart. so now what? where do i go from here?

yup that was a trick question. stagnant at the deep stills and my feet dont come anywhere near close to touching the water. the question now is whether im willing to rework. the fact that i have no idea what im doing only makes me not want to try that much harder. still, i have to move. cant let the chemical cut through because i dont want to see this ship sink but at the same time this form ive grown accustomed to is only taking me nowhere.

so my only chance requires me to break apart the only thing i really know. what the hell do you say to something like that?

...pass the hammer, i guess.